If you’re a fan of sports comedies, you’ve probably seen the 2004 film Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. One of the standout characters in the movie is Patches O’Houlihan, played by Rip Torn. Patches is the grizzled, foul-mouthed coach of the Average Joe’s gym team, and he delivers some of the funniest lines in the movie. Here are some of the best Patches O’Houlihan quotes:
“If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.”
This is probably the most famous line from the movie, and for good reason. Patches hurls a wrench at one of the team members to teach him how to dodge, and the rest is history. It’s a classic example of Patches’ tough-love coaching style.
“It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there!”
Patches isn’t one to mince words, and this line proves it. He’s not afraid to call out his own team when they’re not performing up to his standards, and he does it in the most colorful way possible.
“Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? No, but I do it anyway because it’s sterile and I like the taste.”
This line is a little gross, but it’s also hilarious. Patches uses it to illustrate his point that sometimes you have to do things that seem crazy in order to succeed. It’s a testament to Rip Torn’s comic timing that he can make a line like this work.
“If you’re going to become true dodgeballers, then you’ve got to learn the five D’s of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!”
As a coach, Patches is all about teaching his team the fundamentals. The five D’s of dodgeball may seem like a silly concept, but they actually make a lot of sense when you think about it. Patches’ dedication to the sport is admirable, even if his methods are a little unorthodox.
“You’re about as useful as a poopy-flavored lollipop.”
Patches is never one to sugarcoat things, and this insult is a prime example. It’s not the most sophisticated insult, but it gets the point across. Patches’ tough love may be hard to take at times, but it’s clear that he cares about his team and wants them to succeed.
“I’ve seen better runs in a pair of pantyhose.”
When one of the team members makes a clumsy run, Patches delivers this zinger. It’s a great example of his quick wit and ability to come up with a cutting remark on the spot. Even though he’s tough on his team, you can’t help but admire his sense of humor.
“I’m gonna dip my balls in it!”
Okay, this line is definitely not for everyone. When Patches sees a team member drinking from a water cooler, he delivers this memorable line. It’s crude, it’s gross, and it’s absolutely hilarious. You may not want to repeat it in polite company, but you have to admit that it’s a classic Patches O’Houlihan moment.
“Remember the 5 D’s of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.”
We’ve already mentioned the five D’s of dodgeball, but it’s worth repeating this line. Patches is nothing if not focused, and he wants his team to be the same way. By repeating this mantra over and over again, he drills it into their heads until it becomes second nature.
“You can dodge a ball or you can dodge a wrench. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.”
We’ve already talked about the wrench scene, but this line is worth mentioning as well. Patches is a man of few words, but when he speaks, he makes them count. He’s all about teaching his team the skills they need to succeed, and he does it in the most memorable way possible.
“If you don’t have a wrench, use your foot.”
When the team doesn’t have a wrench to practice dodging, Patches tells them to use their foot instead. It’s a great example of his resourcefulness and ability to think on his feet. Even in the face of adversity, Patches always finds a way to make things work.
“I’ll be in my office. If you need me, just yell out ‘My name is Fuzzy Lumpkins’.”
When Patches needs some alone time, he tells his team to call out a ridiculous name to get his attention. It’s a funny moment that shows Patches’ sense of humor, as well as his need for some peace and quiet every now and then.
“Remember, dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.”
This line is a little more serious than some of the others, but it’s still classic Patches. He’s not afraid to acknowledge that dodgeball can be a tough sport, and that it can sometimes bring out the worst in people. It’s a reminder that even though Patches is a funny character, he still takes the sport seriously.
“If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.”
This line is a variation on the famous “dodge a wrench, dodge a ball” line, and it’s just as funny. Patches has a way of taking everyday situations and turning them into dodgeball metaphors. It’s one of the things that makes him such a memorable character.
“Come on, you pansies!”
When the team is feeling sorry for themselves, Patches is there to give them a kick in the pants. This line is a classic example of his tough-love coaching style. He knows that his team is capable of great things, and he won’t let them give up without a fight.
“I know you’re feeling angry, Harry. Hell, I’m feeling a little angry myself. But don’t let that anger turn into hate. And don’t let that hate turn into some kind of weird, twisted love.”
This line comes during a moment of tension between two of the team members, and it’s a great example of Patches’ wisdom. He may be gruff and crude, but he also has a deep understanding of human nature. His advice to Harry is both wise and funny.
“If you’re gonna be a true dodgeballer, you’ve got to learn to fake out the other team. Fake them out and fake them out again, until they’re so confused they don’t know which way is up.”
Patches is all about strategy, and this line is a great example of that. He knows that dodgeball is as much about psychology as it is about physical ability. By faking out the other team, you can gain a psychological advantage that can be hard to overcome.
“For Christ’s sake, Lawrence, you’re a grown man! Don’t call me ‘sir’.”
Patches may be a coach, but he’s not one to stand on ceremony. When Lawrence calls him “sir,” Patches immediately shuts him down. It’s a funny moment that highlights Patches’ casual, no-nonsense attitude.
“I’ll give you something to wipe off, if you know what I mean!”
This line comes during a scene where Patches is using a towel to hit the team members in the face. It’s a funny moment that showcases Patches’ eccentric coaching style. Even though he’s hitting them in the face with a towel, it’s clear that he has their best interests at heart.
“If you don’t have a wrench, use a…a pitchfork!”
When the team is short on equipment, Patches tells them to use a pitchfork instead of a wrench. It’s a ridiculous suggestion, but it’s also a great example of Patches’ creativity and resourcefulness.
“I feel like a little boy who’s lost his…his first tooth, put it under his pillow, waiting for the tooth fairy to come. Only two evil burglars have crept in my window, and snatched it, before she could get here…wait a minute, what does a man my size need with 10 dollars, anyway?”
This line comes during a scene where Patches is reminiscing about his lost love. It’s a poignant moment that shows a softer side of Patches. Even though he’s a tough coach, he’s also a human being with feelings.
“I know. It’s a little scary, isn’t it? It’s like what those zebras did to my uncle at the watering hole.”
This line comes during a scene where Patches is showing the team a dodgeball video. The video features some aggressive zebras, and Patches draws a comparison between them and his own coaching style. It’s a funny moment that shows how Patches sees the world.
“I’m gonna bend you over and show you the 50 states.”
Okay, this line is definitely not for everyone. Patches delivers it during a moment of frustration, and it’s one of his more crass moments. Even though it’s not the most sophisticated line, it’s still a funny example of Patches’ colorful language.
“If you can dodge a traffic cop, you can dodge a ball.”
Another variation on the “dodge a wrench, dodge a ball” line, this one is just as funny as the others. Patches has a way of taking mundane situations and turning them into dodgeball metaphors, and it’s one of the things that makes him such a great character.
“That’s what I call a target-rich environment.”
This line comes during a scene where Patches is using the team members as training dummies. It’s a funny moment that shows how much Patches loves dodgeball. Even though he’s using his own team as targets, it’s clear that he’s having a great time.